I know a lot of sisters are feeling anxiety wearing the hijab right now. I know how it feels like to be targeted just because of my hijab. I've never shared this story in public before but I hope sharing it now will help those who are feeling vulnerable in the current climate.
When the first Iraqi war happened, I was a 4th grader, ironically living also in the state of North Carolina. I grew up in North Carolina, and I remember as a kid loving hijab because all the loving teachers and moms at the Masjid Sunday school wore hijab. I wore hijab before its time at my public elementary school because I just loved the idea that Allah had given me a Muslim uniform. I was too young to understand modesty. For me it was about feeling proud to be Muslim. And also one more thing: my biggest fear in Sunday school stories about the Day of Judgment was about what would happen if my scales of good and bad deeds were EQUAL?! Lol, I figured I would need some "extra credit" like in school, to get me ahead. When the war started in Iraq, some family friends told my parents maybe it would be better if I didn't wear hijab to my public school because I could be targeted. My parents left the choice to me, saying they would be ok with it either way. I wanted to keep it on. Hijab was my "extra credit" with God.
One morning when my younger brother and I were waiting for the school bus in front of our home, a car came screeching to a halt a few yards in front of us. A man came out, rushing towards us with his face red. He had orangish hair and looked flustered, huffing and puffing as he walked. He didn't see my dad coming to stand with us as he was hidden by some trees while walking forward. My dad appeared in between this man and us. The man looked shocked and started backing away. My dad talked to him and the man said he was driving by and saw my headscarf and he just wanted to practice his Arabic because he had once visited 'Arabia'. This, at 7:30am on a weekday morning. My dad offered to give him some pamphlets about Islam but when he bent down to open his briefcase, the man ran to his car and drove away. My dad had wanted to delay him long enough to get his license plate number. It wasn't until a few days later hearing my parents recount the story with others, that I realized in that incident, my younger brother and I were almost kidnapped. Again, I was given the option to not wear my headscarf. I remember one thing I kept hearing my mom say, "May Allah protect them, who better than Allah to protect them." I was young but I knew I didn't want someone else to have any influence in what I do for Allah. It was my choice. It was my extra credit. If they don't like it, it was their problem, and Allah would protect me just as He did that morning. I remember feeling afraid sometimes after that in public, but I would remember what my mother said, and it would make me feel better, protected, and I would know I was not alone. Allah was with me.
This was my first experience with hijab related hate. The same lesson held true through so many political upheavals afterwards where Muslims were targeted. It gives me great comfort that in Islam my moment of death cannot be affected by anything. It is written. It cannot be delayed, it cannot be advanced. Whenever that moment comes, I pray it is with hijab, a choice I made for God when I was in elementary school, one that millions of Muslim women make for Him everyday, one that Razan and Yusor made even when their neighbor made hateful and threatening comments to them.
This Prophetic narration aslo brings me great comfort. Just as life and death are in the control of Allah, so too are harm and benefit.
Abu al-‘Abbas ‘Abdullah bin ‘Abbas(ra) reports:
“One day I was riding (a horse/camel) behind the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, when he said, ‘Young man, I will teach you some words. Be mindful of God, and He will take care of you. Be mindful of Him, and you shall find Him at your side. If you ask, ask of God. If you need help, seek it from God. Know that if the whole world were to gather together in order to help you, they would not be able to help you except if God had written so. And if the whole world were to gather together in order to harm you, they would not harm you except if God had written so. The pens have been lifted, and the pages are dry.’ ” (Related by Tirmidhi)
If you're afraid, it's OK. If you feel anxiety, it's OK. Whatever choice you make is yours to live with and between you and God, so you will receive no judgements from me Insha Allah. This message is just for support and to say I understand, I've been there. I feel it too. For sisters who want to keep it on, stay resilient. You have a right to feel defiant in the face of such reckless hate. Wear it with pride, use it as a means to exemplify the message of love, peace, generosity, and kindness in Islam. Let it be your flag of courage and honor. Allah is with you, He is the Most Excellent Protector, The Most Excellent Helper. For sisters who want to remove it, Allah is still with you. He is still your Protector and Helper. You don't have to explain to anyone what choice you make. If any sister wants to talk to me directly about what they are going through, I am at your service Insha Allah. For all of us, let us never forget to continuously seek strength from Allah as He loves to answer those who call on Him.
There is no strength, protection, or help except from Allah.
